I would say this was my first ever relationship??? Growing up I never really had any male friends. Reason why is because
- I never made any male friends in primary due to my physical appearance
- I went to an all-girls high school
- The university course I am doing is majority girls
- My part time workplace is mainly all girls
So basically, I have had 0 close interactions with guys. I would say I have 1 male friend, that I met through another friend of mine, but we aren’t close and some random male people which I’ve met but never held a solid conversations with.
In a nutshell, let’s just say my interactions with guys are like ????? Non existential in a way…. Well interacting with your dad and brother… I guess. Before I met my first boyfriend, I met a guy online and we had a few mutual friends. Anyway, that wasn’t really a relationship but we talked for almost a year nonstop and I could sense something between us. It was an emotionally deep friendship with little flirting???
Anyways, I met my “first real” boyfriend at work, as my workplace was hiring and we slowly grew to know each other. I kind of left my workplace when he got hired (I interviewed him and did the typical training drill with him). We started messaging each other when we first got our shift together and slowly started going out together until one day he suddenly kissed me and I guess, we were together. At first, I didn’t really think a relationship could’ve grown because I was definitely not looking for anyone and I was ecstatic that I met someone who had the same interest as me (anime, gaming, being lazy, enjoying mundane stuff). I don’t have any friends who are on the SAME level of interest with me or are very chilled back with life. I just felt so happy finding someone like that. Slowly I grew to love him. Every moment I spent with him was just so happy with me. I really thought I could see a future with him.
Thing slowly started going downhill, I guess my jealousy was the cause or maybe my insecurities. But I also wanted reassurance so I wouldn’t have felt this way. I guess both sides of the relationship needed some changes. One day he decided to breakup with me. I felt it coming yet I didn’t want to believe it. Even through all the trouble, I still loved him. I guess I never fully trusted him and when I tried to trusted those words of “I love you”, he let me go. The breakup was one of the worse things that has happened (besides my workplace closing down, another pile of depression added). It’s funny (not really) how someone can just throw away 10 months of a relationship out of the window.
I really wanted to continue the relationship, I was willing to work things out with him and try again yet he had given up on me. I don’t know what love is. I expected way too much from my first relationship. All I ever wanted was to find someone who I can be best friends with, be comfortable, enjoy doing boring stuff together. That was everything I wanted and it just left me. It felt as if maybe we were both at two different places. I was ready but he wasn’t ready to commit. He felt like the right person at the wrong time.
They say, you should love yourself first before loving others but that’s impossible. Growing up I was fat and had acne. I never loved who I was physically but personality and thought wise, I loved myself. I love the way I think, I love that I’m boring. Even losing 15kg to my ideal weight and having clearer skin, I’m still not happy and I will never be and that is a fact. I will never satisfy myself but I have come to terms with my physical beauty. I have accepted myself as a person. At the age of 19 (which I am right now, HECKING WHAT!!!) I have no clue what the hell happened to life. I know there is someone out there for me but for now, the lost 19 year old girl is me.
This picture literally sums up my life for the past month. Watching shows non stop :c
It really left a hole in my heart and I regret that this relationship grew into love. I regret loving him because I wished that he could still be part of my life. I just want someone who I could talk to casually every day and grow a strong friendship bond. Maybe what I’m looking for is a friend. Someone that understands me but yet again, I have so many amazing people around me who I love but what gets me is that, this is the same with my self-esteem. Even losing weight and having clear skin, I am not at the peak of happiness just like with the people around me. I have amazing people around me that I have strong bonds with yet I still want him…. Is it because of love? Is it a goal for me to achieve?
The world is so strange. I am yet a clueless person still growing.
LOYALTY COST ZERO DOLLARS YET IT’S SO HARD TO BE LOYAL. <— I strongly agree to this statement. Seen some damn non loyal people out there that claiming to be loyal.
My trust has been broken, and getting back on the road again is going to be a rocky rollercoaster.
If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. My mind just wandered off and I just wanted to express my feelings somewhere ❤
Hear myself 