Today marks the day where I have come to a realisation that I am so lonely!! (well I’ve always felt I was alone)

A little background story of myself. I have always grown up as a shy kid. When I say shy I mean like doing a 3-minute speech performed at home and going into class then speeding it up to 40seconds.

I always felt like an outcast and her I am going to state my ethnicity! IM CHINESE!! Born and raised in Australia but never been overseas in my 19years of life.

Growing up, my family was relatively poor because you know Chinese immigrant parents (lol) anyways my dad was the only one working. 90% of my clothes we from people or just I would just wear my mum’s wardrobe because I was a tall fat kid growing up (meanwhile my brother was a stick figure). Anyways our furniture’s were always grabbed from peoples kerb cleanups (so in Sydney here you can throw out items that couldn’t be thrown into bins like twice a year? But hey free second hand scavenger hunts!!).

Due to my dad’s job we had to move places that meant MOVING SCHOOLS??!?! My first primary school felt awesome! I loved it so much that I enjoyed my life besides the fact that some people wouldve dogged on me. I only stayed like 3 year in that school then transitioned into my next one which I stay for 6 months due to the expensive ass area. We couldn’t even afford to pay school fees because that area was literally rich. I still remember wearing my sports uniform every day to school because my parents could only afford the cheap sports uniform instead of the summer and winter school dresses for me. Here’s a photo of me vs the class in uniform (lol gawd i was tall xD)

I would also wear my uniform out on the weekends because like gotta make use of it! Only last 6 months in that school and didn’t make any friends but had a hectic big playground so it wasn’t bad. Then I moved to the worse of the worse school I could ever imagine ☹ thinking about it brings back traumatic experiences. It was like 98% white kids. Not being racist or anything but these kids did not make me feel comfortable. I remember when I first came into school everyone didn’t want to be my friend. I meant even teachers thought I was some international kid because I was so shy. They threw me into this “support” reading  class which I had to read to a teacher for an hour… which I obviously could but they just assumed I couldn’t. I spent all my break times alone and brang knitting gear to school and sat by myself to knit. Next to me were a bunch of nerds which I knew got bullied all the time but they just sat next to me but we never talked but felt nice because it meant I was kind of part of a group??? the next few years I was always alone. My dad would drop us off at school so damn early like 7.30am and I would just sit and wrap myself around a pole until 9:00 for class. this was basically my entire bloody childhood.

I remember one time I was just sitting by myself for class watching everyone play games and before you know it a kid threw a branch into my eye because he was pegging wrong direction and after he did it I had to get an ice pack. YOU KNOW WHA HE SAID TO ME AFTER “can you throw the ice pack away because I don’t want to get in trouble”. And of course I wanted to be liked by people, so I threw the ice pack away ( I swear I’m so stupid). Later on in primary I began developing acne and I had this huge pimple on my nose. People would always try and look at me and make fun of me. It honestly made me so upset. there was one moment that made me hate my ethnicity. I was in class and I don’t know why I was placed on the same table with the “most hated annoying guy” plus he was  Asian, that typical yugioh lover with glasses. Anyways this other guy in my class was disruptive and rude and when the teacher told him he had to sit next to me he replied “I don’t want to sit next to a Chinese girl” and the whole class laughed. In the end the teacher told him to apologise to me and never brought up this racist topic that the whole class was laughing. Anyways I could go on and on about every single person in that primary school. Horrible experience.

Highschool life was good. Some dramas here and there but I made good friends and year group was good. Graduated and still have few close friends.

As I entered my university I started losing connection with people in high school. People started getting boyfriends, making their own groups in uni, joining uni societies and here I was just by myself. My first year was tough but was okay then came second year which I am currently in is still lonely although Ive met my boyfriend. This is basically a brief background of me. Stay tuned for next post!

Thankyou for reading ❤