Reflecting the breakup

I would say this was my first ever relationship??? Growing up I never really had any male friends. Reason why is because

I never made any male friends in primary due to my physical appearance
I went to an all-girls high school
The university course I am doing is majority girls
My part time workplace is mainly all girls

So basically, I have had 0 close interactions with guys. I would say I have 1 male friend, that I met through another friend of mine, but we aren’t close and some random male people which I’ve met but never held a solid conversations with.

In a nutshell, let’s just say my interactions with guys are like ????? Non existential in a way…. Well interacting with your dad and brother… I guess. Before I met my first boyfriend, I met a guy online and we had a few mutual friends. Anyway, that wasn’t really a relationship but we talked for almost a year nonstop and I could sense something between us. It was an emotionally deep friendship with little flirting???

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Anyways, I met my “first real” boyfriend at work, as my workplace was hiring and we slowly grew to know each other. I kind of left my workplace when he got hired (I interviewed him and did the typical training drill with him). We started messaging each other when we first got our shift together and slowly started going out together until one day he suddenly kissed me and I guess, we were together. At first, I didn’t really think a relationship could’ve grown because I was definitely not looking for anyone and I was ecstatic that I met someone who had the same interest as me (anime, gaming, being lazy, enjoying mundane stuff). I don’t have any friends who are on the SAME level of interest with me or are very chilled back with life. I just felt so happy finding someone like that. Slowly I grew to love him. Every moment I spent with him was just so happy with me. I really thought I could see a future with him.

Thing slowly started going downhill, I guess my jealousy was the cause or maybe my insecurities. But I also wanted reassurance so I wouldn’t have felt this way. I guess both sides of the relationship needed some changes. One day he decided to breakup with me. I felt it coming yet I didn’t want to believe it. Even through all the trouble, I still loved him. I guess I never fully trusted him and when I tried to trusted those words of “I love you”, he let me go. The breakup was one of the worse things that has happened (besides my workplace closing down, another pile of depression added). It’s funny (not really) how someone can just throw away 10 months of a relationship out of the window.

I really wanted to continue the relationship, I was willing to work things out with him and try again yet he had given up on me. I don’t know what love is. I expected way too much from my first relationship. All I ever wanted was to find someone who I can be best friends with, be comfortable, enjoy doing boring stuff together. That was everything I wanted and it just left me. It felt as if maybe we were both at two different places. I was ready but he wasn’t ready to commit. He felt like the right person at the wrong time.

They say, you should love yourself first before loving others but that’s impossible. Growing up I was fat and had acne. I never loved who I was physically but personality and thought wise, I loved myself. I love the way I think, I love that I’m boring. Even losing 15kg to my ideal weight and having clearer skin, I’m still not happy and I will never be and that is a fact. I will never satisfy myself but I have come to terms with my physical beauty. I have accepted myself as a person. At the age of 19 (which I am right now, HECKING WHAT!!!) I have no clue what the hell happened to life. I know there is someone out there for me but for now, the lost 19 year old girl is me.

This picture literally sums up my life for the past month. Watching shows non stop :c

It really left a hole in my heart and I regret that this relationship grew into love. I regret loving him because I wished that he could still be part of my life. I just want someone who I could talk to casually every day and grow a strong friendship bond. Maybe what I’m looking for is a friend. Someone that understands me but yet again, I have so many amazing people around me who I love but what gets me is that, this is the same with my self-esteem. Even losing weight and having clear skin, I am not at the peak of happiness just like with the people around me. I have amazing people around me that I have strong bonds with yet I still want him…. Is it because of love? Is it a goal for me to achieve?

The world is so strange. I am yet a clueless person still growing.

LOYALTY COST ZERO DOLLARS YET IT’S SO HARD TO BE LOYAL. <— I strongly agree to this statement. Seen some damn non loyal people out there that claiming to be loyal.

My trust has been broken, and getting back on the road again is going to be a rocky rollercoaster.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. My mind just wandered off and I just wanted to express my feelings somewhere ❤

Would you have dated the girl who was once fat with acne?

Growing up I was always labelled “the fat kid” because I had a brother who was super skinny. Any form of adult gathering growing up with my parents, always resulted in picking how fat I was than my older brother. I was abnormally bigger and taller than majority of the kids (my last post you can see me vs my class gang height).

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My heaviest I’ve ever been was at 70kg at the age of 13ish. That was the time when I smiled, you could see a double chin right under it.

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I was always called fat throughout school and kids would always make fun of me. Then worse came, the last two years of primary school I started developing acne. My face would get pimples and I would have a huge pimple on my nose that lasted for so long. My parents didn’t know anything about pimple treatment and they brought this random medicine which was meant to be for your eyes when its puffy. They never experienced breaking out before, and if they did, it would naturally go away. My pimple on my nose was huge and they applied this oily ointment on my nose and it just developed worse and worse. The pimple stayed for 2 months or more and left me a big scar which I still have today on my nose. People in school would always run up and look at my face or just be like “how you get that pimple”, “its so huge” or just stare at me until I looked at them and then proceed again as I pretend not to notice. This pimple life continued into high school for another 3 years until I learnt how to avoid it from appearing again. Then one random day I got serious bad pimples around my chin and started to affect my lymph nodes. I was prescribed on antibiotics (doxy) and I had to depend on it for my acne to calm down. I took doxy for maybe around 3-4 years on and went off it until I turned 18.

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I was super ugly as fk in high school. Honestly I had acne, I was fat and big (not curvy JUST BIG), wore my skirt below my knees but above my calves, had serious bushy eyebrows which were thick at the corners (basically 2 scalene triangles). I’m not even joking. I was super god damn ugly. While I’m writing this, some people reading think it’s bad to think this way and have a definition of ugly. To me, I felt ugly and I was unhappy of myself. I truly wanted to change but I couldn’t.

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So until end of year 10 when I was about to enter my senior year I decided to lose weight. I lost a whooping 15kg in around a year or so. I went on extreme strict diet and exercised so much like my entire day was exercise exercise exercise. Then I did my brows and first of all, they were paper thin brows and I cried so much but they grew in 3 months and now theyre currently happy brows. So I changed so much when I entered year 11.

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People would be like “wow you look so pretty” “so skinny” all these compliments I have never received. People started noticing me.It’s funny how I’m the exact same person as before but not physically. But now all of a sudden you become so noticed because of your fken damn appearance.

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I personally don’t fall for people physically but I want that emotional love. Someone who will love me for my personality and just adore my physical appearance later. That’s the love I want. I hate when people approach me, like no one would have approached me if I was the opposite of what I am today.

Why did i start a blog?

Today marks the day where I have come to a realisation that I am so lonely!! (well I’ve always felt I was alone)

A little background story of myself. I have always grown up as a shy kid. When I say shy I mean like doing a 3-minute speech performed at home and going into class then speeding it up to 40seconds.

I always felt like an outcast and her I am going to state my ethnicity! IM CHINESE!! Born and raised in Australia but never been overseas in my 19years of life.

Growing up, my family was relatively poor because you know Chinese immigrant parents (lol) anyways my dad was the only one working. 90% of my clothes we from people or just I would just wear my mum’s wardrobe because I was a tall fat kid growing up (meanwhile my brother was a stick figure). Anyways our furniture’s were always grabbed from peoples kerb cleanups (so in Sydney here you can throw out items that couldn’t be thrown into bins like twice a year? But hey free second hand scavenger hunts!!).

Due to my dad’s job we had to move places that meant MOVING SCHOOLS??!?! My first primary school felt awesome! I loved it so much that I enjoyed my life besides the fact that some people wouldve dogged on me. I only stayed like 3 year in that school then transitioned into my next one which I stay for 6 months due to the expensive ass area. We couldn’t even afford to pay school fees because that area was literally rich. I still remember wearing my sports uniform every day to school because my parents could only afford the cheap sports uniform instead of the summer and winter school dresses for me. Here’s a photo of me vs the class in uniform (lol gawd i was tall xD)

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I would also wear my uniform out on the weekends because like gotta make use of it! Only last 6 months in that school and didn’t make any friends but had a hectic big playground so it wasn’t bad. Then I moved to the worse of the worse school I could ever imagine ☹ thinking about it brings back traumatic experiences. It was like 98% white kids. Not being racist or anything but these kids did not make me feel comfortable. I remember when I first came into school everyone didn’t want to be my friend. I meant even teachers thought I was some international kid because I was so shy. They threw me into this “support” reading class which I had to read to a teacher for an hour… which I obviously could but they just assumed I couldn’t. I spent all my break times alone and brang knitting gear to school and sat by myself to knit. Next to me were a bunch of nerds which I knew got bullied all the time but they just sat next to me but we never talked but felt nice because it meant I was kind of part of a group??? the next few years I was always alone. My dad would drop us off at school so damn early like 7.30am and I would just sit and wrap myself around a pole until 9:00 for class. this was basically my entire bloody childhood.

I remember one time I was just sitting by myself for class watching everyone play games and before you know it a kid threw a branch into my eye because he was pegging wrong direction and after he did it I had to get an ice pack. YOU KNOW WHA HE SAID TO ME AFTER “can you throw the ice pack away because I don’t want to get in trouble”. And of course I wanted to be liked by people, so I threw the ice pack away ( I swear I’m so stupid). Later on in primary I began developing acne and I had this huge pimple on my nose. People would always try and look at me and make fun of me. It honestly made me so upset. there was one moment that made me hate my ethnicity. I was in class and I don’t know why I was placed on the same table with the “most hated annoying guy” plus he was Asian, that typical yugioh lover with glasses. Anyways this other guy in my class was disruptive and rude and when the teacher told him he had to sit next to me he replied “I don’t want to sit next to a Chinese girl” and the whole class laughed. In the end the teacher told him to apologise to me and never brought up this racist topic that the whole class was laughing. Anyways I could go on and on about every single person in that primary school. Horrible experience.

Highschool life was good. Some dramas here and there but I made good friends and year group was good. Graduated and still have few close friends.

As I entered my university I started losing connection with people in high school. People started getting boyfriends, making their own groups in uni, joining uni societies and here I was just by myself. My first year was tough but was okay then came second year which I am currently in is still lonely although Ive met my boyfriend. This is basically a brief background of me. Stay tuned for next post!

Thankyou for reading ❤